A "Pretzel Logic" Exclusive

"It's not just the books under fire now that worry me. It is the books that will never be written. The books that will never be read. And all due to the fear of censorship. As always, young readers will be the real losers."
--Judy Blume

"Censorship ends in logical completeness when nobody is allowed to read any books except the books that nobody reads."
--George Bernard Shaw

If you've been following the news lately, you read that the Newbery committee just awarded Susan Patron's "The Higher Power of Lucky" its highest honor of 2007. One problem: on the very first page, the author tries to sneak in the word "scrotum," all sinister-like. The reaction has been pretty much what you'd expect: a lot of self-righteous indignation followed by the requisite calls for censorship. Kind of makes you wonder what goes on in these people's heads, doesn't it? Fortunately for you, I had a chance to sit down with one of the book's detractors, A. Composite, for a chat recently. Here's a transcript of what I think you'll find an illuminating discussion:

Mike: Before we begin, I just want to thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I appreciate it.
Composite: You're welcome, Michael. Glad I can help.
M: Well, I know your time is limited, since I'm sure there are other books corrupting our youth that you need to get rid of, so --
C: We think of it less as "getting rid of them," and more "promoting the well-being of our constituents". Don't be glib about this.
M: My bad, didn't mean to judge. I'll cut right to the chase: You know I asked you here because of this whole "scrotum" incident. What do you make of it?
C: It's terrible. That an author in this day-and-age would so brazenly insert such filth in an otherwise delightful story. I thought we were past that as a society.
M: Oh, so you did think the rest of the story was delightful?
C: Well, I didn't actually read the novel, just the incriminating paragraph someone cut out for me. Like you said, I'm very busy, so I don't have time to read offending material in context.
M: But what's the danger of having a young reader come across the word "scrotum," which is a perfectly legitimate way to refer to a body part?
C: Kids should be reading about making friends, treating each other with respect, dealing with that pesky younger sibling who's hogging all the attention. You know, good wholesome things. Not sex.

M: I didn't think the scrotum reference was sexual at all.

C: They always are, Michael. It's subversive.

M: In retrospect, maybe the author should have used "balls" or "sac" to make her point.

C: You're still being glib, son. You're better than that.

M: Yeah, well, the Newbery committee obviously saw enough in the novel to overcome that little scatalogical reference (which really isn't scatalogical at all). Don't you trust young people to be able to get past a sort-of-but-not-really-at-all euphemism that isn't even relevant to the story?
C: I'm not surprised by that mentality; I see it all the time in people your age. Are you a parent, Michael?
M: (laughing) Not remotely, no.
C: So you see, then, that you're not really qualified to assess the literary merit of a particular piece and its potential effects on impressionable young folks. You're an idealist, you want to live in a perfect world, and I'm sure we would all love to sit in our ivory towers criticizing the old fogeys who have ruined this country with their "rule books" and their right-wing extremist philosophies. But when you have children of your own, you'll see the inherent risk of putting a novel like this, which is nothing more than kiddie porn, in their hands.
M: Keeping a book out of my child's hands because I'm a prude is one thing. Banning it from a library is another. You have to see that, right?
C: I'm not a prude. I'm up for pretty much anything, ask Mrs. Composite. But not when it comes to my kids, and the kids of this country I've taken it upon myself to moderate. They deserve to grow up in the world with their innocence intact.
M: But in the world according to y'all, death is something that happens only to old people; Catholicism is a perfect religion; kids should just kinda "wing it" during puberty and not ask questions -- in fact, a girl really shouldn't get her period before she's 21 -- gay people don't raise kids, nor are people really gay at all (they're just temporarily misguided); racism doesn't exist; drug use is a non-issue; schoolchildren are always nice to each other; authority is always right; South African apartheid wasn't really that bad, and neither was Vietnam, for that matter; cursing, even with little symbols in place of the words, is always unacceptable; and we are all Immaculate Conceptions.
C: And? What's wrong with that?
M: Who's being the idealist now?
C: (sighing) It's always a battle with you people. Fucking liberals.